


(let me) face my fears

by highqueenalice



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Alice Quinn, Coming Out, Friendship, Gen, I had an idea i was gonna write down dialouge but then i did the whole thing so oops, Okay i have to do actual tags now lmao, SO THIS HAPPPENED, Stephanie Quinn is a piece of trash, Supportive Eliot Waugh, Supportive Gays, That needs to be a more used tag, Total accident, unlikely friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-01 13:13:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18335051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highqueenalice/pseuds/highqueenalice
Summary: In which Alice struggles with a revelation and Eliot is (as always) a supportive friend (especially to fellow gays).





	(let me) face my fears

**Author's Note:**

> So this was totally inspired by the fanfic exploring Eliot and Alice’s friendship Bright in the Day by hetrez like after I was done reading it and linking it to my peoples this lil thing just popped into my head. The conversation happened accidentally in my head and was like Yep gotta write this shit down except then I wrote beyond the beginning conversation and emotions started happening and I just ended up with this lil thingy lol. The title is cheesy and potentially unfitting, I was just listening to Face My Fears by Utada Hikaru when I finished so I just used that lmao.

“How did you know?” The question was blunt, much like all things Alice Quinn said. She’d been far more subtle and curt before she died. Not that Eliot usually made the comparison much. Too busy being possessed and conflicting indifference or annoyance towards her. 

“Know  _ what _ ?” He asked, dragging the words along. Oh, how he wished Margo was here beside him, to lay his head in her lap or hers in his. Just like the old days… those were simpler times. Truly. 

She huffed in that weird sort of way that wasn’t a total huff but more frustration. Not with him though, he knew her well enough to see that. More frustration on how to put forth the words she wanted to say. 

Alice was at a loss for words and Eliot had to restrain a chuckle at the sight (because then she would undoubtedly not ask her true question and go off in a proper huff). 

“The difference,” Alice’s eyes refused to meet his. “Between thinking someone looks--I don’t know, cute, and thinking they look…” Shit, were her cheeks turning red? “ _ Cute _ .” 

Oh. 

“Alice, do you--”

“Nevermind.” She turned away from him in a instant, and the shittiest part was that there were no  _ ‘perhaps if this was a different time or place’  _ for Eliot to cling onto. Cause he knew himself well enough to know that no matter the time or place, though he could be shit at many of topics, this was hardly one he’d ever abandon someone to facing on their own. Even Alice.

So, he put his smoke out (cause he doubted she’d believe he did give a damn if it remained lazy in his hand), and he skirted after her. “Wait wait-” 

Much to his surprise, Alice complied. Sure she was tense, but Alice did indeed wait. Turning to face look up at him, with her expression tight and conflicted. “I took a quiz.” She spoke sternly-- and why was she so stern? It was hardly something to feel bad about (though quizzes were a bit tacky). “I  _ started  _ taking a quiz, I mean, but quizzes are hardly enough evidence and information and there were only ten questions so-” 

“Do you not want to be?” There was no judgment in his tone, of course not. With a father like his own, he could understand the impulse. On top of which, Alice had shown no homophobia in the past (if she had it would have been far easier to dismiss and hate her) right now she simply seemed simply conflicted. 

“I was in love with Quentin.” She began like she had to defend herself. Did she think also liking women somehow made her past feelings towards Quentin invalid? (Despite the situation at hand, and yes he felt a bit guilty for it, he couldn’t help the small spark of glee he felt at the word  _ was  _ because… reasons). 

“There is such a thing as bisexuality.” And he was sure Alice knew of it, cause she was Alice Quinn and she knew everything. There was a part of his brain, that simply wanted to point her in the direction of Margo because perhaps Margo would be better at this. Except he was pretty sure, almost for sure, that would end in disaster. (Margo made jokes out of things cause that was her and he loved her for it but a questioning and conflicting Alice Quinn would be less enthused). 

“I  _ know  _ what bisexuality is.” She spoke, her voice hard. She wasn’t trying to berate him, not even defend herself-- she just seemed… stricken, by the term. “My parents--  _ my parents _ .” 

Eliot hadn’t ever had the ‘pleasure’ of meeting them, but Quentin gave out stories. He heard snippets when the actual events had occurred, but hadn’t had an idea of the extent of it til the mosaic. It was one of those nights where they stayed up talking about the ones they missed. He’d given another Margo story out of his many, when Quentin shared an Alice one. Sure, Eliot had known a little but there was such sadness in Quentin when he spoke of Alice’s parents. Teddy was toddler at the time. Quentin had remarked that he simply couldn’t imagine how her parents did it, how any parent could treat their child so horribly. He loved Teddy so much. So had Eliot. The thoughts of a parent treating their child in such wretched ways was unfathomable (despite the fact Eliot’s own parents had done so to him, not that he let himself dwell on that bit). 

“They were overtly sexual.” Her stare snapped to him and Eliot felt the need to say. “Quentin’s words, not mine.”

His would of been far more cutting, personally. 

“What does bisexuality have to do with your parents?” Maybe there was a slyer way to ask the question, but Eliot didn’t want to skirt around. He wanted to figure out the issue, and once that was done with he’d get her a rainbow dress or something (even it turned she wasn’t gay or bisexual at all he’d still get her one cause why not?).

“I don’t know,” And that was a lie, given the fact her usual icy eyes seemed so utterly glassy _. I don’t know  _ was an easy lie, an easy deflection when you did know and you’d prefer not to say. “I tried to talk to my mom about it, once-- and she--” 

Alice refused to try and meet his gaze. Probably trying to hide the fact that her eyes weren’t just glassy, but teary. Eliot knew all about homophobic parents. Or perhaps it wasn’t homophobia that Alice faced from her mother but who knows what else. “What did she do?” 

Alice inhaled, like thinking back to the memory was painful. No, there was no  _ like  _ about it. It  _ was  _ painful, he could see it. “She-- I just wanted to  _ talk  _ to her.” A slight pause, before everything pooled out. “I thought about talking to Dad, or-or  _ Charlie  _ but Charlie I would of had to wait cause he was at Brakebills and I didn’t want to wait my mind was just--” She was fighting to find the right words, the ones that would make describing it hurt less. Eliot wished he knew the way to tell her that such words didn’t exist. “I didn’t really  _ get  _ it and I tried talking to her but she just--” Her voice rose. “The  _ moment  _ I said-- the moment I  _ implied  _ that I might-- she said I don’t know. That I was too young-- and I-- I asked her, do you not want me to be? Cause I was  _ 15  _ and I was  _ stupid  _ and for some reason I gave a fuck about what  _ she  _ wanted and then-- and then she went into this long stupid rant about the touch of a man and all that-- all  _ that _ .” Tears gathered in her eyes. “It was hardly the shittiest thing she’d done to me but--” She was in a fight. With herself. Trying to feel nothing towards something that obviously hurt her so much. Eliot knew the feeling. He usually drowned it in tequila. “She made me feel so  _ stupid  _ and  _ insignificant  _ and I would think to myself so so many different things. Like-- like, why is it assumed to be straight? Why is  _ that  _ the presumption? I can’t know I like girls til I‘ve been with one but I could know I like guys when I haven’t?” There was a pause. A strain, touching her features, as she released all she let slip out. “I-- sorry. I shouldn’t of-- sorry.”

Wait wait. No no. 

“It looks to me,” Eliot began (and perhaps he should of taken more time to dismiss her sorries but he had so so much ground to cover). “Like you need an expert.” No, actually she needed a therapist. They all did. But who had the time for that?

He tried to give off that bravado smile he was proud in perfecting, but Alice’s face was puffy and tear stained so fuck that. “There’s no expert in this shit. Not really. I can’t even say you either know or you don’t know cause honestly it’s confusing as fuck.” He admitted. “But I could offer to listen, and to try and help you figure it out.” A pause. “If you want me to.”

And then Alice gathered herself. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, sucked in a breath and composed herself. 

Eliot wasn’t awfully a jealous person. Concerning Alice though, he was jealous of her more then once. Mostly for Q shaped reasons. This wasn’t one of those times however. Because her ability to compose herself came with years of practice and so many times having to do. And he much preferred his own mask rather then the act of regaining composure becoming a science to him like it was to her. 

“There was this pizza girl.” She stared and Eliot restrained himself from laughing but his smile was something he couldn’t constrain. Cause she was actually talking about him, and he was gonna listen and listen fucking  _ well _ . 

“Wait,” He began, though his grin remained evident. “This is a couch conversation. Come along.” He exclaimed, his own hand gathering hers and leading her to the (thankfully) empty couch. Not that he would of had much trouble shooing whoever was there if he needed to (Margo would give him a  _ look  _ but then he’d promise to explain it to her later in his own look. Q would of been mortified at the sight of them and Eliot was sure it would of been adorable). 

Alice sat on the couch in the most uncomfortable position ever. She was stiff, with her posture straight and her hands folded in her lap like this was a damn classroom. Eliot, however, made himself comfortable, leaning into the very fluffy pillows. 

“There was a pizza girl.” He echoed her words to jumpstart the story she’d begun. 

“There was a pizza girl.” Alice repeated, but this time it was said in a different tone then she initially did. Like… this memory was  _ special _ . Something about it forced a smile to tug at her lips. “Charlie was sick so he ordered himself pizza because mom and dad are useless and I told him I’d get the door and I did and she--- she had  _ auburn  _ hair-- and  _ freckles _ . She was--” Her eyes lit up as she recalled the memory. They were still glassy form the previous tears, yes, but despite them there was joy in her eyes. A kind he’d never seen her wear, not even when she was in love with Q. “It’d been raining all day,” She said, giving context to whatever would come next. In those same words, she tugged a pillow that had been behind her to her chest and hugged it. No longer was her posture stiff, but instead loose as she went on. “I made a joke about it-- the rain and my jokes are  _ horrible  _ and I don’t even remember what I said but I made her  _ laugh _ .” God damn, the girl was glowing from the recollection alone. “I made her laugh and it was such a nice laugh and she was so--”

Oh yeah, if she wasn’t sure before she was sure now. Eliot could see in her eyes. All she had needed to know was talk about it, and it’s funny about how recollection could do wonders for realization. He himself was sure of it the moment she began to smile, and her eyes went all bright.  _ Alice Quinn wasn’t straight _ .  

“I did love Quentin.” She spoke, and Eliot kicked himself for enjoying the past tense of  _ did  _ so much. “I do like guys.”

“But you also like girls.” Eliot said, and his smile felt  _ nice  _ (when was the last time he got to smile like this? He enjoyed it.)

“But I also like girls.” Alice mimicked his words, more assured in herself then he’d ever heard her before. She seemed a bit choked up, momentarily, the realization truly taking hold of her. Then, she  _ giggled _ . It was very adorable, frankly.

She easened. Like a weight was ripped off her shoulders, like there was  _ relief _ . 

Eliot knew that feeling all too well. 

There was a joy to Alice that Eliot hadn’t ever seen her have before. He liked it on her. 

“I  _ have  _ to ask though,” Because he  _ had  _ to. “What brought this on?” Cause from her story, Alice hadn’t thought about this since she was that 15 year old girl whose bitch of a mom fucked her over. 

Her laughter was traded in for a sheepish expression, a blush. “I-- well, I-” she was stumbling over her words. Damn she was in  _ deep _ .. “Well…”

“There you are!” Oh, there it was. There  _ she  _ was. “I need your help figuring out a spell and-- Eliot why the  _ fuck  _ are you looking at me like that?” Kady Diaz-Orloff asked. 

Alice turned to face him.  _ Distressed _ . Not the distressed distressed though, it was more along the lines of  _ the girl I like wants to spend time with me what the fuck do I do _ ?

Eliot had no good answer.

Instead, he just smiled in solidarity. 

**Author's Note:**

> The ending I think is a lil lame but I trieddddd. You know a few times I had to go back and change the wording from none-approving to homophobic because that’s what it is and my mind for some reasons sugar coats it though it shouldn’t be sugar coated, it should be called out. ALSO I did draw off some of my own experiences for Alice’s but far more exaggerated and bad in her experience because Stephanie is Stephanie. I hope I did everyone justice, I’ve never written anything for The Magicians before despite it being my favorite show so this is my first try and I didn’t even really think about it lol it sorta just happened haha. Sorry if anyone was any bit OOC lol I do plan to write more The Magicians fanfic eventually though I have no idea what about lmao. Hopeya enjoyed!


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